Let's ask Hidan!
by LoneWolf KIA
Summary: A short comedy featuring Tobi, probing Hidan's mind to uncomfortable levels. Also including Deidara and a strange picturing of Kakuzu. Essentially one long, yet hilarious innuendo in story form. Warning: sanity resistant. Reviews welcome and wanted!


Let's ask Hidan!

Tobi paused in front of his door. His quivering hand held the key an inch from the lock. He turned his head to listen through the door.

"Kakuzu!" came the booming voice of Hidan. "We need to rub it with this! Then it'll be smoother and slide in easier."

"But I prefer it rough!" Tobi heard Kakuzu answer.

Tobi was beginning to worry.

"Don't be stupid," said Hidan. "It's much better if- OH CRAP! The damn thing's stuck again!"

"Not again," moaned Kakuzu. "Pull it out."

"I CAN'T! IT'S STUCK, DAMMIT!"

There is no way to describe how worried Tobi was right then.

"Hold on," he heard Kakuzu call, "wipe some of this stuff off, it's too slippery to get hold of."

This observation was followed by a series of thumps and loud groans. Tobi couldn't restrain himself any more, bursting into the room.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!?" he screeched, staring at Hidan and Kakuzu.

"What does it look like we're doing?" Hidan asked. "We're fixing these drawers," he said, patting the lopsided pile of wood on the floor next to him.

"Oh, OK…" Tobi said disappointedly, putting the camcorder back under his robes.

With an exhausted grunt, Kakuzu wrenched the drawer out of the frame.

"Yeah, you're right," he panted, "let's sandpaper it."

As Tobi was about to leave the room, he suddenly stopped and turned towards Hidan.

"Hidan-kun…" he said, "can Tobi ask you something?"

"Sure Tobi," he replied, "anything you- KAKUZU!!! WHAT THE HELL?! STOP **GROPING** ME!!!"

Kakuzu's arm froze in place. "I'm not," he whined, "I'm brushing off sawdust…"

Hidan looked down at Kakuzu. "Not around that area please," he hissed. "AND FOR FUCK SAKE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!"

He turned back to Tobi. "OK, Tobi-kun, what is it?"

Tobi thought for a second, and then asked: "What do you know about love?"

Hidan and Kakuzu both stared and him in silence while slowly edging away from Tobi's bed.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" cried Hidan, breaking the awkward silence with awkward noise. "I DON'T SWING THAT WAY! IT'S BAD ENOUGH WITH KAKUZU!"

"HEY!" Kakuzu shouted, sniffing pathetically, "I'm just showing affection…"

Tobi panicked. "Wha? NO! Tobi meant with like a woman!" he thought for a moment. "But not Deidara…"

Hidan's eyes lit up. Before he could open his mouth Tobi added: "Not counting rape…"

Hidan looked puzzled. "Is there any other kind of love?"

Tobi sighed. "Yes, Hidan. Like… romance and stuff."

"Oh, I see. You mean the **traps**!"

"What?"

Hidan pulled out a small notebook and showed Tobi some of the pages. It was filled with diagrams of ingenious traps.

"That's the basic rope trap," he explained, pointing to one. "It's simple, but effective and means the woman is intact for later collection."

He turned the page in front of Tobi's bewildered face.

"Ah, this is a bear trap. It's messy and there's a chance she'll bleed to death before you're done, although if you think about it you only need the area above the-"

"HIDAN!!!!" Tobi cried. "TOBI SAID **NO** RAPE!!"

Hidan threw the book down. "Then why the fuck did you come to me?"

Tobi looked soulfully into Hidan's eyes. "Because Tobi trusts you, Hidan." He whispered, "You're Tobi's friend."

The two of them gazed at each other for a moment before they both burst out laughing.

"Just kidding," Tobi sobbed between fits of laughter. "Tobi hates you really."

"Me too!" laughed Hidan, kicking Tobi hard in the shins until he crashed to the ground.

"So how do you know when you're in love?" asked Tobi as he lay bleeding on the floor.

Hidan pondered this for a few seconds. "When she takes off her-"

"Alrighty then!" Tobi interrupted, getting up off of the floor. "Tobi thinks we've covered everything, so… Tobi'll leave you and Kakuzu alone."

Tobi looked around, frowning. "Where _is_ Kakuzu?"

"Hi Kakuzu!" they heard a voice shout outside. It was Deidara.

"Er… what are you doing?" he stuttered. Hidan and Tobi looked at each other.

"AHHHHHH!!" Deidara screamed. "Wait! No! NOOOOO!!"

"Erm…" said Tobi, "should we help?"

Suddenly Deidara began shouting: "For the love of God, I'M A **MAN!** A MAN! Why does nobody believe me?"

Hidan grinned smugly. "He's fine…"


End file.
